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Name: Conkers.

Age: Brought into the UK 409 years ago.

Appearance: Nature's collectible doll.

That can't be accurate. It is. Go and watch a TikTok video of someone revealing a conker, and you’ll probably hear them call it “nature's Labubu”.

Unboxing conkers? What on Earth are you talking about? Goodness, you really are not up to date, aren’t you? Gen Zers are taking to TikTok to film themselves removing conkers from their spiky capsules.

What's the reason? Due to the sense of wonder! When you open up a conker, you can't predict what you’re going to get. Will it be big? Will it be flat? How shiny will it be? It is like a mystery box every time!

Do Labubu dolls share those traits? No, they’re somewhat eerie dolls that have become highly sought-after because they also come in mystery boxes.

Can someone please tell the younger crowd that they are not using conkers correctly? Is that so? How do you play with horse chestnuts, then?

You put a shoelace through the middle of them, and try to break others' nuts. Wow, really? That’s unusual.

Yeah. You’ll have a much better chance of winning if you soak the conker in vinegar overnight and then bake it like a pie. You're not joking?

Seriously. And if you end up collecting too many conkers, you can toss them in the schoolyard and all the other kids will fight each other for them. A beautiful, natural thing like a conker, and you use it as a weapon? A weapon that comes with a long set of arcane and bewildering rules?

That's the custom! King Charles literally just presented the World Conker Championships with a gift of 300 conkers! At least gen Z is only filming them.

Why don’t you know this? At a guess, because certain schools prohibited the game twenty years back, due to concerns over well-being.

Today's society always surprises. Maybe revealing horse chestnuts just isn’t your thing. In which case, perhaps you would be more interested in some other hot new youth fads.

Oh really? Like what? Well, there’s this thing called yarn work, and something else called clay crafting that I can describe for you.

Those hobbies are ancient! Let me guess, you boil the needles in cider and then use them to jab one another?

Certainly not! OK, calm down. I thought all older generation's pastimes involved some type of aggression, after that horse chestnut game.

I feel stressed. Take a breath. If you need me, I’ll be unboxing seeds for clicks.

Appropriate comment: “Social media loves showcasing nut discoveries.”

Don’t say: “This is nuts.”